Killer Care Bear Monkeys Are Coming to Take Over!
by SilverBlood666
Summary: [This was Alisha's idea!] How to put this... Basicly, it's about MonkeyCare Bears that wanna take over the world. WARNING: EXTREME RANDOMNESS! THIS WAS A RESULT OF A SUGAR HIGH!It was very funny while I was writing it. Try it if you want.
1. The Saga Begins

A/N: Holy crap, this might have a plot! Alisha, here's your damn story. ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*  
  
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful city in the clouds where winged monkeys and Care Bears lived together in peace and harmony..... yeah, right!  
  
[Scene opens on a cloud. A little orange monkey with wings and a moon on her stomach. She's jumping up and down crazily.]  
  
Alisha (screaming and stabbing a green Care Bear): "I AM AN ORANGE MONKEY!! I AM GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!"  
  
[Blue monkey with wings and a flame on her stomach materializes from thin air]  
  
Jillian (looking at Alisha in her killing frenzy): "Need some help?"  
  
Alisha (looks up and immediately is calm): "Nope. I'm good."  
  
[A green monkey (Greg) and a red monkey (Dustin) materializes from thin air]  
  
Dustin (pounding himself on the head and screaming): "Hamster! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!"  
  
[Alisha and Jillian looking confused]  
  
Greg (whispering): "The hamster is back."  
  
Alisha and Jillian (understanding now): "Oh..."  
  
Jillian: "I thought he got rid of it."  
  
Greg: "He did."  
  
Jillian: "Huh?"  
  
[Share Bear (the pink one with the rainbow on her stomach) pops up from nowhere]  
  
Share Bear (arms outstretched): "Hugging is fun!"  
  
All the Monkeys: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!! Nice bear!!! "  
  
[Monkeys run away to Amy's house]  
  
Alisha (pounding on door): "AMY!! LET US IN!! EVIL CARE BEAR COMING FOR US!!!"  
  
[Door opens and a pink monkey comes outside]  
  
Amy: "What do you want?"  
  
Greg (doing retarded dinosaur walk and singing): "Evil, evil Care Bear is coming to hug us!"  
  
Amy: "Awww....."  
  
All Monkeys: @.@  
  
Jillian (steps back): "You – you're o-one of them!! AHHHHH!!!"  
  
Jillian (running around screaming bloody murder): "SHE'S ON THEIR SIDE!! SHE'S ON THEIR SIDE!!  
  
[Grey monkey named Chris appears out of thin air]  
  
Chris (zoned out on SOMETHING): "Heh heh. Who's on who's side?"  
  
Dustin (pulling on ear and chanting): "Evil, evil hamster! Get out of my head!!"  
  
Chris (pointing at Dustin): "I want what he has."  
  
[Something taps Jillian on the shoulder and she turns around to see..... SHARE BEAR!!!]  
  
Share Bear (opening arms): "How 'bout that hug?"  
  
Jillian (eyes widen): AAHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S EVIL!! EVIL, I TELL YOU!!!  
  
[Jillian suddenly calms down and opens her arms, much to the horror of her friends]  
  
Jillian (puts hands around Share Bear's neck): "LOOK, I'M HUGGING YOUR NECK!! I'M HUGGING YOU!!"  
  
[Tightens grip around her throat, making the bear choke to death]  
  
Jillian (screaming): "I'm HUGGING!!"  
  
[Share Bear goes limp and dies. All the other monkeys except Amy congratulates Jillian. Chris falls asleep]  
  
Dustin (still pulling on his ear): "The hamster says 'Great job. You have made the first kill and started the rebellion.' Hamster! I'm warning you!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!"  
  
[Greg snaps his fingers and a 2x4 beam appears in his hand.]  
  
Greg (swinging the 2x4 and hits Dustin): "Hamster, get out of his head! I don't wanna hear about it anymore!!"  
  
[Dustin falls through the clouds, taking everyone else with them.]  
  
All the monkeys (falling to Earth): "AAHHHHH!!! WE'RE FALLING!!!"  
  
[After a while of falling, the Grey Monkey wakes up]  
  
Chris (opens eyes and yawn): "What'd I miss?" (looks at the oncoming ground): "Oh, crap." [He realizes something] "Wait, don't we have wings?"  
  
All the Monkeys: Oh. OH! Ohhhh, right!  
  
[They all flap their wings and land gently on the ground]  
  
Alisha (sees another Care Bear): EEP!! Care Bear alert!! Care Bear alert!!  
  
Purple Care Bear: "Now you will all perish for trespassing on Earth without a pass!"  
  
Dustin (lands on the ground): WHOMP!!  
  
[A cloud of dust rose and none other than Luke Skywalker appeared.]  
  
Luke (in a loud voice to the purple Care Bear): "Who are you to threaten the existence of the Monkeys?"  
  
Purple Care Bear: "I am a Care Bear! These Monkeys have trespassed and must die!"  
  
Luke (Stomps feet): "But I LIKE monkeys!!"  
  
Alisha (to Jillian): "Who the hell is this nutcase?"  
  
Luke: I am Luke Skywalker! I come in peace! I – "  
  
Horatio Cane from CSI: "COCONUTS!!!!!"  
  
[Horatio disappears and is replaced by Darth Vader]  
  
Darth Vader (singing and dancing): "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about! You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!!"  
  
Luke (Unbelieving): "Father?"  
  
Darth Vader (breathing heavily through the mask): "I've decided to take yoga! Isn't that great? I'm being healthy!"  
  
[Alisha, Jillian, Greg, Dustin, Chris, Amy, and the Purple Care Bear stare at them. A crowd is gathering.]  
  
Mr. Folk (gawking at the strange beings): "What the HELL is going on?"  
  
Dustin (yelling): "THUNDER POWER!!"  
  
[Thunder hits Mr. Folk, killing him instantly.]  
  
Crowd (jumping up and down): "YAY!!!!"  
  
Little Boy: Care Bear? Are you here to make me happy?"  
  
Purple Care Bear: "Back off, kid. I'm here only to kick some Monkey ass!!"  
  
Little Boy (Bursts into tears): "WHAAAA!!!"  
  
Little Boy's Mom (VERY angry): "YOU SONNUVA BITCH! WHY'D YOU MAKE MY KID CRY?"  
  
[Mom kills Care Bear with the evil 'Mom Glare'. (You know the one, people.)]  
  
All Monkeys: "YAY!! "  
  
[Monkeys all fly back up to the clouds carrying Luke and Darth Vader]  
  
Greg (doing the crab walk): "Welcome to our humble abode."  
  
Luke and Vader: @.@  
  
[They see an entire castle made of clouds. (A/N: Ooooh.)]  
  
[They all turn around and see Amy kissing a blue – green Care Bear. (A/N: ALISHA!! IT'S A MIRACLE!! AMY HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!)]  
  
Jillian (having trouble breathing): "Oh..... OH MY GOD!!! SHE'S ONE OF THEM!!!!!!"  
  
[ runs away screaming. Straight into a spiked wall and passes out.]  
  
Alisha: "NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Greg: "NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Dustin: "NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Chris: "NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Amy (muffled): "NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Luke: "What the hell? I'll join the crowd! NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Darth Vader: "Sure, me too! NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!"  
  
Jillian (wakes up): "I'm not dead yet."  
  
Chris (grinning): "Okay, that's over."  
  
Greg: "I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE!!"  
  
[They all sit down to watch Star Wars.]  
  
Luke (REALLY getting into it): "Wow, I'm a really good actor! I wonder why I didn't get an Oscar."  
  
[Luke calls Han Solo on his cell phone and tells him to come over. Five minutes later, there's a knock on the door]  
  
Alisha: "Come in!"  
  
Chewbacca (Chewie): "Raa! Raaaa!!"  
  
Han: "Yo, Luke! What's up, my homie?"  
  
Jillian: "I thought we were gonna take over the world."  
  
All the Monkeys: "Oh, yeah."  
  
[They all get up and go back to Earth to wreak havoc on all the innocent people.]  
  
T.V. News Announcer: "A local peeing tom was killed in the struggle this afternoon. He was decapitated and his head was found in the bathroom of a ninety- eight-year old woman's bathroom. The woman was later found dead in the bathtub. More details at eleven."  
  
All the Monkeys: "Did we kill that guy?"  
  
Dell Guy: "DUDE! We're gettin' a Dell!"  
  
[Whip comes out of nowhere and wraps around the Dell Guy's neck.] Dell Guy (gagging): "I won't say it again! Let me go!"  
  
[Out of a dust cloud, steps Indiana Jones (Indy)]  
  
Indy: "Never fear, innocent Monkeys! I, Indiana Jones, will save you!"  
  
Dustin's Hamster: "Dude, don't be gay."  
  
Indy (confused): "Huh?"  
  
Jillian: "I HAVE AN IDEA!!"  
  
Greg: "What is it?"  
  
Jillian: "I say that we attack the Hulk!"  
  
All the Monkeys, Indy, Darth Vader and Luke (cheering): "YAY!!!"  
  
[The group starts off to Bruce Banner's (right?) house to piss him off and get a fight]  
  
Monkeys: "You suck! You couldn't hurt a fly!!"  
  
[Bruce changes to the Hulk and kills a fly]  
  
Hulk: "I can TOO kill a fly!"  
  
Chris (snoring): "ZZZZZzzzzzzzz............."  
  
All the Monkeys: "NOOOooo!! You murderer!!"  
  
[The Monkeys all kill the Hulk and display his body on Earth as a warning to all who think of opposing them. Everyone obeys the Monkeys.]  
  
Jillian: "Now that we rule the world, I wanna meet Michael Hurst (Iolaus on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys) and Kevin Sorbo!"  
  
"POOF!!" [Out of a cloud of dust, Iolaus and Hercules appear.]  
  
Jillian: "YAY!!!!!"  
  
Hercules: "Why have you taken over the world?"  
  
Alisha: "Because we felt like it. GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"  
  
Iolaus (shrugs): "Not really."  
  
Hercules (angry): "Uh, yeah, we DO have a problem with it. Right, Iolaus?"  
  
Iolaus: "No, I really don't have a problem with the whole thing. It was bound to happen sooner or later."  
  
Dustin: (pulling ear again): "The All Mighty Hamster King says, 'Hercules, if you are against this, then leave. We will just hunt you down later."  
  
Jillian: "Ioaus, you'll stay, right?"  
  
Iolaus: "Sure, why not?"  
  
Hercules (confused): "WHAT?!? You're gonna give up everything we've been fighting for?"  
  
Iolaus: "No, I just wanna stay here for a while."  
  
Indy and Luke: (cheering): "YAY! He's gonna stay! He's gonna stay! He's gonna stay!!"  
  
[Jillian, Dustin and Alisha join the cheering.]  
  
(A/N: God, this is asinine, stupid and senseless!!)  
  
Alisha: "SHUT UP, AUTHOR!!"  
  
Author: "Alisha, you shut up. I put you into this story and I can take you out!!"  
  
Alisha: "Huh – uh!"  
  
Author: "Uh – huh!"  
  
Alisha: "Prove it!"  
  
[Author takes Alisha out of the story.]  
  
"POOF!"  
  
Author: "Proof enough?"  
  
Indy: "COOL!!"  
  
Luke: "Yeah, that power is WAY cooler than the Force!"  
  
[Author bows and takes her leave.]  
  
~ Meanwhile in Care Bear City ~  
  
[Three Care Bears are sitting at a conference table, talking about the Monkey Rebellion]  
  
Cheer Bear (Cheery - Red) (pounds fist on the table): "They HAVE to be stopped! We cannot continue to just let those Monkeys carry on like this!"  
  
Happy Bear (Happy – Purple): "Damn straight! We have to stop them! They've already killed the Incredible Hulk!"  
  
Grumpy Bear (Grumpy – Blue): "Yes, we must kill them!"  
  
Cheery: "But how?"  
  
Happy: "We will hold a tryout for assassins and pick who we think is best. Agreed?"  
  
All: "Agreed! The Talent Show will begin......... NOW!"  
  
[The door to the conference room opens and Harry Potter walks in. He sits down in a chair at the end of the table.]  
  
Potter (waving his wand around): "I can kill them! I killed Lord Voldermort (sp?) He was nearly invincible!"  
  
Cheery (presses button): "Sorry, too young. You might get killed."  
  
[The chair flips backwards, sending Harry Potter into the fiery pits of hell.]  
  
Potter (screaming): "AIEEEE!!! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! OWWW!! IT'S HOT!"  
  
Grumpy: "Next!!"  
  
[Barney the big purple Dinosaur walks in carrying a teddy bear]  
  
Barney (singing): "I love you, you love me. We're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too?"  
  
Grumpy (pulls out a machine gun): "Yeah, I'd like you to get the hell out of my site!"  
  
Barney: "But I love you!"  
  
[Grumpy squeezes the trigger and lets a storm of bullets put a hundred holes in Barney.]  
  
Barney: "Oww! That wasn't very nice!" [dies]  
  
Happy: "Next!"  
  
[Hamtaro walks through the door.]  
  
Cheery (looking bored) "Why do you think you're qualified for this job?"  
  
Hamtaro: "Because I have an army of Ham Hams at my command and the fact that I'm so cute and cuddly and no one would suspect me?"  
  
All the Care Bears: "You're hired."  
  
Hamtaro (cheering): "YAY!!!"  
  
[Hamtaro skips out the door singing.]  
  
Author (In announcer voise): "What will happen to our beloved Monkeys? Will they be able to stand up to the mighty Care Bears? Tune into our next episode of 'EVIL CARE BEAR MONKEYS'!!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	2. The Saga Continues

Chapter Two Back with a Vengeance (A/N: I can't believe I'm doing this...) Narroator: "Last time on 'Killer Care Bear Monkeys Are Coming to Take Over!' : ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------  
  
[Hamtaro walks through the door.]  
  
Cheery (looking bored) "Why do you think you're qualified for this job?"  
  
Hamtaro: "Because I have an army of Ham Hams at my command and the fact that I'm so cute and cuddly and no one would suspect me?"  
  
All the Care Bears: "You're hired."  
  
Hamtaro (cheering): "YAY!!!"  
  
[Hamtaro skips out the door singing.]  
  
Somewhere...  
  
Alisha [yelling]: "Hello? Is anyone here?"  
  
Authoress (me!): "I AM EVERYWHERE!!!"  
  
Alisha: "I'm hungry."  
  
[Authoress waves her arms and a tray of food appears outta thin air. Alisha starts eating.]  
  
Alisha [with mouth full]: "MOMMY, I WANNA GO HOME!"  
  
Authoress: "But you were being mean!"  
  
Alisha: "So?"  
  
Authoress: "So, you do NOT tempt the one that's ALL POWERFUL!!"  
  
Alisha: "Lemme go back! I wanna go back!"  
  
Authoress (getting angry): "Why do you wanna go back so badly?"  
  
Alisha: "Cuz I like killing Care Bears?"  
  
Authoress (smiles): "Exactly!"  
  
[In a poof of thick, white smoke, the Authoress sends Alisha back to Earth.]  
  
Authoress (thinking): 'She'd better do this right..."  
  
Back on Earth   
  
[a blinding poof of smoke envelopes the entire room, all the Monkeys are coughing. A flash of white light and the smoke clears, leaving them all to stare at none other than a little orange Monkey with a moon on her stomach.]  
  
Monkeys, Luke, Indy, Vader, Iolaus and Hercules a.k.a. Herc (and the hamster) (yelling): "ALISHA!! WHERE WERE YOU??"  
  
Alisha (shrugs): "In oblivion, I guess."  
  
Iolaus: "It's a nice place, huh?"  
  
Alisha: "I guess so."  
  
Herc (warning): "Iolaus..."  
  
Iolaus: "Yeah?"  
  
Herc: "Don't we need to be somewhere else?"  
  
Jillian (defensive): "No, he can stay. So can you. I wanna hear about this."  
  
[As Iolaus starts to tell his 'oblivion story', Hercules gives him 'the look'.]  
  
Hercules: "Iolaus, I think we need to leave."  
  
Iolaus: "Nah, we're okay."  
  
[Mark, from the Wiggles appears out of nowhere and starts singing the 'Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car. As he's dancing along with the song, Iolaus pulls out a machine gun and kills Mark.]  
  
Iolaus (putting away the gun): "Anyway, what was I saying before I was rudely interrupted?"  
  
Darth Vader (breathing through the mask): "we were all talking about what the best way to take over the world would be."  
  
Everyone: "Oh, yeah..."  
  
[The Monkeys, Darth Vader, Indy, Luke, Herc and Iolaus continue to talk about how to kill off the Care Bears.]  
  
Meanwhile, in Care Bear City   
  
[Grumpy still has his machine gun and is threatening every other person/animal/thing that comes to try out for the assassin position. A Furby walks through the door.]  
  
Happy: "Why should we hire you for this job?"  
  
Furby: "I wanna play!"  
  
Grumpy: "Can you play rough and kill the Monkeys?"  
  
Furby (smiling): "I love you!"  
  
Grumpy (apparently satisfied): "You're hired!"  
  
Back with the Monkeys   
  
[The Monkeys, Indy, Luke, Vader, Herc and Iolaus are sitting around drinking Long Islands, talking about something else, (Not Care Bears)]  
  
Jillian: "I think we should start Phase One of Operation Take Over the World and Kill All The Care Bears That We Know of in Existence (also known as TOWKACBTWKE)."  
  
Chris: "Can't we have a shorter name?"  
  
Alisha: (smacks him): "No."  
  
[Out of nowhere, a pink bubble floats into the room.]  
  
Alisha (In awe): "Oooh, pretty!"  
  
[Alisha pops the bubbles and Glinda the Good Witch of the North falls to the floor.]  
  
Glinda (disheveled and a mess): "OH, FUCK IT!! I'M HAVING A BAD DAY AND YOU WENT AND POPPED MY GODDAMN BUBBLE!!! YOU WILL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!!"  
  
[Glinda waves her wand over Alisha and a puff of white smoke appears. When it fades, a little orange kitten sits in Alisha's place.]  
  
Alisha (meows): "Mrow!!" ((Translation: "I hate authors...")  
  
Chris (cooing): "Aww!! What a CUTE little kitty!"  
  
[He tries to pet the kitten, and it attacks.]  
  
Chris (with a rabid kitten attached to his face): "GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!!"  
  
Monkeys and Company (looking bored): "Wow..."  
  
[Alisha's claws score across his abdomen, her claws snag on his small intestines, sending them flying across room and hits Darth Vader's visor with a wet sounding 'SMACK!'. A cloud of unexplainable dust rises, hiding the scene from view.]  
  
Dustin (STILL pulling on his ear to get the hamster out): "Should we help him?"  
  
Greg (hysterically): "YES! Help my lover boy!"  
  
[Everyone stares at Greg with awed expressions.]  
  
Jillian: "So, he finally came outta the closet."  
  
Chris (still yelling): "GREG!! DON'T TOUCH MY NIPPLES!"  
  
[The dust clears, leaving everyone to witness the slaughter that occurred. Blood covers Darth Vader, who has intestines on his head and lodged in his visor. Alisha is covered in gore and blood froths from her muzzle. Chris' throat is slit, and all his guts are hanging out.]  
  
Glinda (sitting back, watching the show): "Oops."  
  
Alisha (meow): "Mwrrow!" ((Translation: "What'd I do?"))  
  
[She runs off for a first aid kit , runs around collecting the innards thrown about the room and off Vader's head, and bandages Chris up until he's no more than a mummy.]  
  
Alisha (yells): "POOF!"  
  
[Another puff of smoke and Chris stands up, good as new, and Alisha is back to a Monkey.]  
  
Monkeys and Company: "Yay."  
  
With the Care Bears   
  
[The Care Bears are busy assembling their armies, enough said.]  
  



	3. The Saga Continues to Continue

Killer Care Bears Are Coming To Take Over! (a.k.a. KCBACTTO)  
  
CHAPTER 3 – The Saga Continues to Continue.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
With the Monkeys (and everyone else)   
  
**Chris** (cheering): "YAY! I'm alive!"  
  
[The Monkeys and company all grin stupidly, Glina disappears, leaving them to continue to plot against the Care Bears, when there are two screams and two bodies fall from the sky. When they stand up, the group sees they are none other than Clay Aiken and Orlando Bloom, who is in his Legolas costume, weapons included.]  
  
**Jillian** (clearly overwhelmed by their presences): "OH, MY GOD!! IT'S CLAY AIKEN AND ORLANDO BLOOM!!!"  
  
[Clay stars singing 'Solitaire' and is stopped when a shaft of wood it shoved through the back of his skull and out his mouth. As he falls, a grey monkey is seen standing behind him.]  
  
**Jillian**: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
**Orlando** (in his English accent): "Oye! What'd you do that for?"  
  
**Chris** (shrugging): "I dunno."  
  
**Orlando** (proudly): Then I shall avenge his pointless death!"  
  
[Orlando unsheathes the twin blades from the scabbards on his back. With a small whistle, the pair of swords twirling. Chris snaps his fingers and a katana appears out of nowhere. (a/n: Why? Cuz I said so!)]  
  
**Alisha** (tears streaming down face): "No! You've only just gotten well!"  
  
**Iolaus** (sits down): "This might be good."  
  
[Vader, Luke, Indy, Herc, and the rest of the Monkeys nod and sit down next to Iolaus to watch the next example of senseless violence.]  
  
**Orlando** (spinning the swords): "Are you ready to die?"  
  
**Chris** (mimicking): "Are you ready to die?"  
  
**Orlando**: "I don't sound like that!"  
  
[Chris mimics his again, provoking the Elf-wannabe into attacking. Light catches the blades as they sing in battle. Finally--]  
  
**Orlando** (bleeding heavily): "You bastard! You cut my damn arm off!"  
  
**Chris** (shrugs): "Oops."  
  
[The blades star t whirling again, Orlando's blood coats the room. (Yet he's not slowing down! Hmm...) Finally--]  
  
**Orlando** (standing on one leg): "MUST you continue to hack off body parts??"  
  
**Chris**: "Yup."  
  
[They keep fighting; Orlando hops around on his one leg, wielding his sword.]  
  
**Chris**: "AH HAH!! Now you DIE!"  
  
[He brings the sword down and slices Orlando's stomach open. Pizza and candy (still wrapped, of course!) spill out, causing the Monkeys and friends to dive for it.]  
  
**Greg** (yelling): "CANDY!!"  
  
[They snack on the food, still watching the fight.]  
  
**Orlando** (with dying breath): "I'm sorry I couldn't avenge you, Clay! You were a worthy adversary, Christopher, but I SHALL HAUNT YOU FOR ETERNITY!! Because you struck me down, I shall only become stronger! I WILL--"  
  
**Monkeys** (all yelling): "SHUT UP AND DIE ALREADY!!"  
  
**Orlando**: "FINE!!" (dies)  
  
[Monkeys and friends cheer while Chris drops his sword with a triumphant yell. Then they go back to plotting.]  
  
w/ Care Bears   
  
**Furbies**: "We love you!"  
  
**Grumpy** (shakes his head): "This is gonna take a while..."  
  
**_LATER_**   
  
**Happy** (yelling over Furbies): "How can we get these godforsaken things trained?"  
  
**Grumpy** (pulles out machine gun): "We'll use FORCE!"  
  
**Cheery**: "What happened to the CARE BEAR army? I know we have one! Why do we need General Hamtaro and his Ham Ham soldiers along with these stupid Furbies?"  
  
[A sudden roar from behind them catches their attention. They spin around to see no other that--]  
  
**All** (yelling happily): "Brave Heart!"  
  
**Brave Heart**: "Hi, Guys!"  
  
[They all hug, welcoming the Care Bear Cousin, then go back to trying to train the Furbies.]  
  
**Brave Heart**: "Let me train 'em. I'll whip 'em into shape!"  
  
**All**: "Take 'em!"  
  
[They leave Brave Heart to train the Furbies and go to sleep.]  
  
With the Monkeys   
  
[They are all cleaning up Orlando guts and Clay blood while Jillian mourns for them.]  
  
**Jillian** (crying): "Never again will the gorgeous Orlando be seen again on the silver screen. His beautiful face shall be forever engraved on my heart. The talented Clay Aiken shall never sing another sweet note. He will always—"  
  
**All** (Including Indy and friends): "Shut the fuck up!"  
  
[Jillian's mouth snaps closed and she storms off to sulk and pout somewhere else.]  
  
[Meanwhile, unknown to them, a certain green monkey sneaks away from the group.]  
  
LATER   
  
**Chris** (looks around): "Where's Greg?"

* * *

A/N: Next chapter: The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue


	4. The Saga Continues to Continue to Contin...

_**Killer Care Bear Monkeys Are Coming to Take Over!  
**_  
Chapter 4 – The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue.  
  
_**Disclaimer:**_ Alisha and I own the Monkeys!!  
  
**_Warning:_** This story may be a hazard to certain people's health.  
  
_**Do not read if you:**_

-are pregnant

-may become pregnant

-are nursing

-have a weak stomach

-are squeamish

-think this is stupid

**_Stop reading if you are experiencing any of these side effects:_**

-Nausea

-Heartburn

-Indigestion

-Upset stomach

-Diarrhea

-If you have any of these symptoms, take Pepto-Bismol and then continue reading.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------  
  
**_With the Monkeys_**   
  
**_Chris_** (in a whiney voice): "Where's Greg?"  
  
[The Monkeys and everyone else start looking for Greg while Chris throws a temper tantrum.]  
  
**_Mr. Bundy_** (pops in from outta nowhere): "You... Bug... Bug... You... Far......... awaaaay." (He walks away.)  
  
**_Alisha:_** "BURP!" (In a quiet voice): "'Scuse me."  
  
**_Indy_** (cracks whip): "Come out, Greg!"  
  
**_Hercules_** (lifting a wall and looking under it): "Where are you?"  
  
[They all continue to look for him, but, finding nothing, they give up after ten minutes.]  
  
**_With the Care Bears   
_**  
**_Grumpy:_** "These damn Furbies are driving me CRAZY!!"  
  
**_Lion Heart_** (bites the head off a Furby): "Yummy!"  
  
**_All the Care Bears:_** "Eww!!"  
  
**_Cheery_**: "Be nice, Lion Heart! We need the Furbish Warriors to fight the Monkeys!"  
  
[Grumpy gets his machine gun and blows Cheery's eyeball out, someone catches it and they dissect it and have it for dinner. And it tastes like Jell-O.]  
  
**_Cheery_** (holding a bloody rag over one side of his face): "Oww!!! You SHOT ME!!"  
  
**_Grumpy:_** "Oops."  
  
**_Lion Heart:_** "I wanna go--"  
  
[He's interrupted by a knock on the door. Lion Heart opens the door and lets in a green monkey.]  
  
**_Grumpy:_** "Welcome back, Greg. Do you have new information?"  
  
**_Greg_** (doing retarded dinosaur walk): "Nope."  
  
**_Grumpy_** (pulls machine gun): "Then why are you here?"  
  
**_Greg:_** "I dunno."  
  
**_Mr. Bundy_** (appears outta nowhere again (Imitating the seagulls from 'Finding Nemo')): "Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!"  
  
[He walks away without looking back to see their reactions.]  
  
**_Greg:_** "Ooookay then. That guy's weird."  
  
**_Lion Heart_** (still chewing on the Furby head): "Yeah..."  
  
[They start talking about the hottest boy bands, favorite lip glosses, and which guys are the hottest celebrities.]  
  
**_Back With the Monkeys   
_**  
**_Indy_** (showing off with his whip): "Look what I can do! Look what I can do!"  
  
[Indy cracks the whip. It catches around his neck and gets caught in the ceiling fan. The whip tightens around his neck and slowly chokes him to death. The fan cuts the leather and sends the archeologist to the floor, dead.]  
  
**_Alisha_** (sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, screaming): "DON'T TOUCH ME!!"  
  
**_Chris_** (starts poking her): "TOUCH! TOUCH!"  
  
**_Alisha_** (eyes glow red, and she grabs him around the neck): "I said _'DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!"  
_  
**_Jillian_** (giggles at Alisha strangling Chris): "Here, Chris, I'll help you."  
  
[Jillian stops Alisha from killing Chris.]  
  
[After a while, all the Monkeys and company are sitting around, doing nothing.]  
  
[Frodo throws the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom.]  
  
[A green Care Bear jumps out from behind the couch and growls.]  
  
**_Care Bear_**: "Grrrrr..." (brandishing the star symbol on the stomach): "CARE BEAR STARE!!"  
  
[A beam on pink light shoots from the symbol on its stomach, aimed at Hercules.]  
  
**_Darth Vader_** (diving in the way of the blast): "Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"  
  
[The ray of light catches him in the chest and he crashes to the floor. A puff of purple smoke envelopes him, making everyone else hack and cough uncontrollably. When the smoke clears, there is a body swathed in a pink cloak.]  
  
**_Luke_** (who is still there): "Father?"  
  
_Darth Vader_ (struggling to stand): "Yes, my son, it is I..." (Breaks into song) "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey! You never know dear, how much I love you. So please don't take my sunshine awaaaaay!"  
  
**_Mr. Bundy_** (happily): "You know what they say in the old country: 'Toughski shitski!"  
  
[He walks away without looking to see their reactions.]  
  
[They it around for an hour, talking about nothing. Every so often, Darth Vader will break into a new song.]  
  
**_Darth Vader:_** "I can't stand being _PINK!!!_ I don't wanna be pink!! Buaaaaa!!! (cries) "I want my black clothes back!!"  
  
[Darth Vader runs out the door with everyone following him. He jumps off the edge of Cloud City and falls. Everyone watches. He lands on the spiked peak of the Empire State Building.]  
  
**_Darth Vader_** (body): "_Thud. Pwish!!_ (That's the sound of his body landing on the tower and the spike going straight through his abdomen.)  
  
**_Everyone_** (disgusted)): "Eww..."  
  
**_Chris:_** "We shall morn the death of Darth Vader for--"

**_Darth Vader:_** "Um... I'm not _quite_ daed yet."

**_Chris:_** "We shall forever morn the mortally wounded Darth--"

**_Darth Vader:_** "Actually, I might pull through this."

**_Chris:_** "We shall forever morn the wound that Darth Vader recieved in the battle to take over Earth. NOW DIE!!"

_**Darth Vader:**_ "Owww... need a docter..." (dies)  
  
**_Chris:_** "There, that's over. Now what do we do?"  
  
--------------------------------END OF CHAPTER---------------------------------

**_Author's Note:_** Okay, we'll get to the war soon, I promise! :-)


	5. The Saga Continues x 4

_**Chapter Five – The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue to Continue**_

_**

* * *

Opens on a group of odd-looking monkeys, all laying on the floor on their stomachs **_

**_Jillian_** (a blue monkey, speaking to the air): "Hey, Authoress? How about a recap, you lazy freak? It's been over a year since you last updated us?"

(Mighty Authoress pauses in middle of typing this master piece)

…

…

…

**_Authoress_** (shrugs): "Hell, why not?" (she puts on her glasses and skims through the other chapters, remembering only what she needs to) "Uh huh… yup… Okay, got it." (she turns to the readers) "So far, the only ones who are doing anything _remotely_ useful are the Care Bears, while these stupid monkeys sit around doing nothing."

**_Alisha_** (pissed): "HEY! You just need to write better stuff! We can't help it that you! –" (she stops speaking as the Mighty Authoress brandishes her pen as a wand warningly)

**_Authoress:_** "Don't _MAKE_ me use this!"

**_Alisha_** (pouting): "Fine… (mutters) Bitch…"

Mighty Authoress raises one eyebrow at her, as a warning

**_Alisha:_** "Sorry."

**_Authoress:_** "That's better." (speaking to the others now) "Oye, you lot! Get over here! All of you!"

(A blue monkey (Jillian), orange monkey (Alisha), grey monkey (Chris), red monkey (Dustin) and a green monkey (Greg) all gather around the Authoress. They're followed by Iolaus and Hercules, Luke Skywalker, Mr. Bundy (who just popped up again) Darth Vader, Han, Chewie, Horatio, and all the rest of random-as-hell characters)

**_Authoress:_** "Okay… _HUDDLE!"_

((They all huddle together (definitely not without some heads cracking together and some screaming) into a football-style huddle))

**_Horatio:_** "Okay… what's the plan?"

((The Authoress gives him a blank stare and asks what the hell he's doing there. He just shrugs and repeats his question))

**_Authoress_** (shrugs it off and continues, nodding seriously): "Okay. On 'four' we do a 'Hail Mary'. Since the other team won't be expecting it, it should catch them off guard and take us into the lead, allowing us to win the S—" (she's cut off as Alisha slaps her across the back of the head)

**_Alisha:_** "This is _WAR, _man! Not _FOOTBALL!"_

**_Authoress_ **(rubbing head): "Right. Thanks." (resumes serious composure) "Anyway, we have a new student – er – _recruit_ with us today. Also, I will be getting you guys am army soon."

**_Everyone:_** "_YAY!"_

**_Authoress:_** "Okay! COME ON IN!" (she motions to the door)

((ENTER a light pink monkey with the math symbols of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division on her stomach. Instead of looking embarrassed or shy, this new monkey looks bold (and possibly annoying))

**_Authoress:_** "Now be nice! She can be brutal!"

(Authoress disappears, leaving the new monkey with the other ones)

**_Chris_** (looking around): "Sooo… where is she?"

**_Jillian_** (annoyed): "You idiot… she's right in front of you."

**_New Person:_** "Hi! I need your guys's IBS numbers!"

**_Alisha_** (confused): hat's an 'IBS number'?"

**_New Person_** (shrugs): "I have no idea. But doesn't it sound COOL?"

**_Jillian:_** Who _are_ you, anyway?"

**_New Person_** (grinning menacingly): "I am… (dramatic pause, thunder and lightening) _MS. VYSE!"_

**_Everyone:_** _"DUNT DUNT DUUUUUUUUNNNN!"_

**_Jillian: _**"Okay… Why'd we all do that and what was with the thunder and lightening effect?"

**_Everyone_** (shrugs): "I dunno."

Chris starts poking Ms. Vyse in the forehead. Her face is getting redder and redder until finally--

**_Ms. Vyse_** (screaming): "_KNOCK IT OFF!"_

(She reaches behind her and pulls an overhead out into view. She throws it, and it lands on Chris's head)

**_Iolaus_** (impressed): "Daaaaaaaaaamnnn, Herc! She might be as good as you!"

(Hercules rolls his eyes, apparently bored)

**_Hercules:_** "I doubt it. Does she have the strength of the gods?"

**_Ms. Vyse:_** "Yes."

**_Hercules:_** Were you born of mortal flesh?"

**_Ms. Vyse _**(not paying attention): "Yes."

**_Hercules_** (screeches): "_WHO'S YO DADDY?"_

**_Ms. Vyse:_** "Yes – er – um… (pauses) Uhhhhhhhhh…"

**_Hercules_** (smug): "Hah."

(A random puff of smoke and Johnny Depp appears, he slaps Hercules across the face and runs around screaming --)

**_Johnny Depp:_** "I AM A SEXY PIRATE!"

((Jillian is watching Johnny Depp run around while she's drooling. Iolaus is watching Jillian with an increasing amount of jealousy speading over his own sexy features))

**_Johnny:_** "I IS SOOOOOOOOO SEEEEEEEEEXYYYYYYYYYY!"

**_Jillian:_** "YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOO SEXY!"

((After a few minutes of watching Johnny run around, Mr. Bundy makes another appearance and sticks a foot out, tripping the incredible sexy Johnny Depp))

**_Johnny_** (in pain and anguish): "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY SUPER SEXINESSS! MY SEXY FACE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (takes a deep breath and continues) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

((scene fades out with Jillian still drooling, Johnny still screaming, Mr. Bundy laughing and still watching))

* * *

((Authoress poofs out of the blackness)) 

**_Authoress:_** Hi everyone! I'm _VERY_ sorry for this stupid story! This is asinine, I know, but I thank you sincerely for reading (and those precious few that reviewed!) on this useless sugar rush! YAY:-)

**_NEXT CHAPTER:_** The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue to Continue to Continue!


	6. The Saga Continues x 5

_**Chapter Six – The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue to Continue to Continue**_

There is a gigantic puff of… green (!) smoke, when it fades; an innocent looking stapler is left sitting on a table. Everyone pops up from random couches, chairs and electrical appliances.

**_Chris:_** "What the hell was _THAT_?"

**_Alisha_** (looking at stapler): "Looks like our 'wise' Authoress decided to invoke her powers again. The dumb -- "

**_Authoress_** (voice over): I swear to god, say it and you're gone!"

**_Chris_** (yelling at Authoress): "BITCH!"

The Mighty Authoress (who appears too often in this) appears in all her naked glory. She's dressed in black, looking pissed as hell at Chris.

**_Chris_** (meekly): "Don't I get a warning?"

**_Authoress:_** "NO!"

She poofs Chris to Barney Land, where we'll be checking on him later.

**_Alisha:_** "Ooookaaaaay…"

The Authoress takes her leave, pointing at the stapler. It suddenly comes to life and much screaming ensues…

MWAH HA HA HA HA!

MEAN WHILE, WITH THE CARE BEARS

**_Cheery_** (getting pissed): "Nuh uh! Criss Angel is the hottest!"

**_Grumpy_** (yawns): "Nope. Patrick Wilson as Raoul."

Authoress pokes her head in the door.

**_Authoress:_** "For those of you who don't know, Patrick Wilson is Raoul from _The Phantom of the Opera_ and he's hot. Especially at the end when he's tied to the gate. 'Kay! Bye!"

Authoress leaves to attend to her many 'hostages' (hint!) in the basement.

**_Grumpy:_** "Yeah, him. Patrick Wilson is hotter." (he sticks his tongue out at Cheery)

**_Cheery:_** (begins to cry) "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

**_Grumpy_** (mutters): "Baby."

**_Authoress_** (voice over): "Be nice!"

**_Grumpy _**(pouts): "Fine…" (he sticks his tongue out at thin air)

They all go back to talking about hot guys.

**_Lion Heart_**: "Shouldn't we be talking about global domination?"

The Furbies' eyes all glow red at the thought of carnage and blood spill.

**_Care Bears_** (freaked out): "Ehhh… Nice training.

Suddenly, the Authoress appears to apologize for them being so boring. She teaches the Furbies to swear and then disappears.

**_Lion Heart:_** (Over an army of swearing Furbies): "BITCH!"

They all start copying him

**_Furbies_** (happily): "Me… fuck… YOU! Ah ha ha! You like eat… shit! YAAAAY!"

Meanwhile, the Mighty Authoress is sitting in the clouds laughing her head off at her immature display of power.

**_Lion Heart:_** (yelling at the sky): "Put them back to normal you bitch!"

Authoress waves a hand lazily and a bolt of lightening strikes him, turning fur black and crispy and sticking straight up.

**_Lion Heart:_** "Yo! Where's muh homie?"

Care Bears stare at him

**_Furby 1:_** "Your… _what_?"

**_Lion Heart _**(irritated): "My HOMIE! Man, you deaf, brotha?"

**_Cheery _**(through tears): "DUDE! HE'S A WIGGER!"

**_Grumpy_** (flipping through Opera Magazine): "Who cares?"

**_Lion Heart_** (getting angry): "Where's. My. HOMIE!"

**_Happy:_** "Who's your homie?"

**_Lion Heart:_** "Greg! Where be Greg?"

Flashes to a green Monkey sitting outside, trying to eat a rock.

As the Care Bears fight with the newly formed wigger-style Lion Heart, we will be going back to the Monkeys

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny Depp is still running around screaming, Jillian is still drooling and everyone else is being chased by a demonic stapler

**_Demonic Stapler_** (high pitched, child-like voice): "I will eat your heart!" (grins)

**_Alisha_** (stapled to the wall by her tail): "JANE! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!"

Poof to Barney Land. Zoom in on a zipped camping tent

**_Chris_** (moaning): "Ohhhhhh… Barney!"

They yell together, we hear spanking, and someone barking like a collie (Shitzu? Poodle? Some little dog. A moment of silence. Then --

**_Chris_** (screaming): "OH, MY GOD! I'M PREGNANT!"

**_Barney_** (in his annoying happy voice): "How can you tell?"

**_Chris:_** I'M LATE!"

**_Barney:_** "What do you mean… 'late'?"

**_Chris:_** "I was supposed to help destroy the world an hour ago! I'm PREGNANT!"

_**END CHAPTER**_


	7. The Saga Continues x 6

_**The Saga Continues x 6 - KCBMACTTO!**_

((Authoress poofs out of nowhere holding a stuffed unicorn, who glares at the monkeys with glowing red eyes. It's very cute, what with the rainbows and the leprichauns.))

**_Authoress:_** "Alright, you readers, this is what happens when idiots flame MY -er- OUR story and I'm bored, cuz all idiots like this one need to either die, or be banned from all computer use. Even though they will die of porn-withdrawl, ahem, FLAMER!!!!!!!!! twitch Originally, this was a later chapter, but I can mane an exception. I'd also like to say that I do not own Spandex!""

**_Monkeys:_** "Does this mean we finally get to have some fun?"

**_Authoress:_** "No, er, YES! YAAAY!"

((The monkeys cheer with the Almighty Authoress.))

**_Authoress:_** (like a preschool teacher to her little 'tards- er- kids, sorry): "All right, boys and girls, today we have a very special treat!"

**_Everyone:_** (clapping hands): "Yaaaaay!!!"

**_Authoress:_** "Today, we have a guest! His name is Kiss My Ass! ((sometimes, AKA K.M.A.))He wrote us all a very nice review! So nice, that I've decided tom give him a small role on todays show -er- CHAPTER!! But first, we're going to post his review so everyone knows what's going on for once!"

(( The Authoress snaps her fingers, and a large white speaker pops up from out of nowhere. She snaps again and an annoying, nasally voice comes on from invisible speakers. ))

**_Voice:_** AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man! AHAHAHAHAH! This is the most pathetic I have ever sen! AHAHAHAHA! Man, you SUCK big time! I guess you pulled this out your stinky ASSHOLE huh?! Oh man hahahaha! My god! EVIL CARE BEAR MONKEYS! AHAHAHAH! You must be a lunatic! A pathetic bitch of a lunatic! Ahahahah! My darn! Your a L-O-S-E-R! AHAHAHAAHAH! A LOSER! HAHAHA! DIE! DIE DIE! YOU MOROM! DIE! DIE DIE DIE! AHAHAAHAH!

**_Authoress:_** (turning to Monkeys): "Now wasn't that nice? I especially love the unique way he spells his well thought out words!"

(( Monkeys look at her like the Authoress is nuts, but none of them say anything. The Authoress claps twice, looking like a Mighty Shiekh. A door opens and a guy comes into the room. He is short, and chubby with greasy blonde hair, pimples, coke-bottle glasses and a large bulbous nose. He's wearing green Spandex shorts, dress shoes and a pink shirt that says, "Chuck Norris can potato sack ME!" He waves, then walks over to sit between Greg and Dustin, who give him death glares. ))

**_Authoress:_** "So, you say we suck?"

**_Kiss-My-Ass:_** (unaware of his impending fate): "Uh huh!"

**_Authoress:_** "You also called me 'a pathetic bitch of a lunatic', isn't that right?"

**_Kiss-My-Ass:_** "Yup!"

**_Authoress:_** _"Why_ though? You didn't really specify. You just said 'AHAHAHAHA YOU SUCK BIG TIME' and that you didn't like the Evil Care Bear Monkeys. There was no constructive critisizm, just words of stupidity. Care to tell us why?"

**_Kiss-My-Ass:_** "Well, see, what I like to do is, um, go online and just flame other people's stories! Since I can't spell and I have no talent or life of my own, I have to make pathetic attempts to involve mysel in other people lives! Yay me!"

(( Everyone rolls their eyes as he begins to go on about how he's 32 years old, has no life and is still a virgin. His only companion is his hand, which looks nasty and diseased with some crusty white stuff on it. Everyone inches away from the hand, which he's begun waving around as his talking is becoming more and more animated. ))

**_Authoress Jillian:_** (to Authoress Alisha): "Shall we get to it then?"

**_Authoress Alisha:_** (to Authoress Jillian): "Yes, let's."

(( They snap their fingers, and, in a cloud of purple, sparkly smoke, they are dressed in black leather catsuits with belts holding various tools of torture, whips and switches included. Kiss-My-Ass is strung up, spread-eagled in a bedframe, face down and naked. Everyone laughs at his ugliness. ))

**_Authoress Jillian:_** (snickering): "Well, we know why you don't have a girlfriend."

**_Authoress Alisha:_** (unable to keep from staring in disgust): "Ew, it looks like a little _worm_..."

**_Someone in the back:_** "That's what HE said!! Whooooooo!!!!!!"

Everyone snickers, Kiss-My-Ass looks confused.

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "Shall we...?"

**_Authoress Alisha:_** "Yes, let's."

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "After you."

**_Authoress Alisha:_** "Nono, after _you."_

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "I insist! It's your turn!"

**_Authoress Alisha:_** "Very well, it you insist..."

(( Authoress Alisha hauls back and cracks her whip across Kiss-My-Ass's butt. He screams, everyone else laughs. ))

**_Everyone:_** "Ha! Ha! Ha!"

(( Authoress Jillian takes a turn, snapping a switch across his bare ass. He screams again. ))

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "By the way, I liked your shirt."

**_Kiss-My-As:_** "Aw, shucks, thanks!"

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "So I have a surprise for you!"

**_Kiss-My-Ass:_** (hopefully): "Really?"

**_Authoress Jillian:_** (sweetly): "Yup, now close your eyes, open your mouth and _no peeking!"_

(( He does what he's told and Chuck Norris walks in. Authoress Jillian shows him the shirt Kiss-My-Ass was wearing and his eyes light up. The Authoresses and Chuck Norris whisper together. ))

**_Chuck Norris:_** (hopefully): "Really?"

(( Authoresses nod ))

**_Chuck Norris:_** "Yay!!!"

(( Chuck Norris goes to the bed pulls his pants down and everyone gasps. ))

**_Greg:_** (staring): "Oh, my god! It's HUGE!!"

(( Everyone nods while Authoress Jillian is overcome with a fit of giggles so strong she has to breathe into a paper bag. ))

**_Authoress Alisha:_** "Ready, Kiss-My-Ass?"

**_Kiss­-My-Ass:_** "Uh huh! Ahhh!" (opens mouth wide)

(( The Almighty Chuck Norris teabags Kiss-My-Ass. ))

**_Kiss-My-Ass:_** "Mm! Tastes like peanuts!"

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "You're not too far off, there, buddy."

**_Note:_** Now that Chuck Norris is involved, we need to behave so he doesn't kill us all with a single roundhouse kick to the face, because, as we all know, Chuck Norris is God on his days off!

**_END CHAPTER_**

* * *

Okay, so I apologize to Chuck Norris. I'm a fan. But, of course, with my limited maturity, I couldn't resist. 

Make sure to read the next chapter comeing up!


	8. The Saga Continues x 7

**_Chapter Seven - The Saga Continues x 7_**

Killer Care Bear Monkeys Are Coming to Take Over! (cuz that's all that would fit on the title line) **_  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**

**_Alisha:_** ): "My Chris Sense is tingling!" (trying to remove the staples from her tail while everyone gags in disgust)**__**

Johnny Depp: "EWW!"

**_Alisha:_** (realizes what she said): "Not THAT sense! I mean he's pregnant!"

((The stapler smashes itself into Johnny Depp's nose, leaving a staple in the perfect bridge. He screams some more.))

**_Ms. Vyse:_** (snickering and running around, being ignored by demonic stapler): "MWA HA HA!!! Take over all unlocked lockers!!"

((She looks around and finds a random set of lockers that are only there because I want them to be. Four of them have unlocked combination locks. She cackles and runs over to them.))

**_Ms. Vyse:_** (laughing manically): "Now, to put the stupid freshmen's locks on backwards so they can't unlock them! Mwa ha ha ha ha!"

((She proceeds to take the unlocked combination locks off the lockers and put them on backwards.))

**_Ms. Vyse:_** "MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

((The camera swoops back to the Monkeys, leaving Ms. Vyse in her demented locker takeover. They're looking at an adorable little pink, blue, orange and green tie-dyed puffball. It has big, shiny black eyes that stared back innocently and a teeny-tiny little smiling mouth. It couldn't have been bigger than a fist.))

**_Alisha:_** (stops running from the stapler): "Who the hell are YOU now?"

**_Puffball:_** (speaking native tongue in a cuddly voice): "Chuchong _Woofle!" _

((Alisha moves and continues staring at the Woofle so hard she doesn't notice the stapler embed four staples on either side of her face.))

**_Alisha:_** "Ow." (starts picking staples out of her face) "Hey, Authoress!"

((Authoress poofs in, wrapped in a bath towel with a rubber ducky in one hand and a back brush in the other, singing.))

**_Authoress:_** (caterwauling): "The Phaaaaaaaaaaantom of the Op-er-a is heeeeeeere! Inside my miiiiiiind!!"

**_Alisha:_** "Shut up!"

((Authoress looks up and blushes at everyone watching her. She quickly composes herself and sticks out her tongue.))

**_Authoress:_** "What do you want?"

**_Alisha_**: (sweetly): "Can we go to Barney Land, please?"

**_Authoress:_** (suspiciously): "Why?"

**_Alisha:_** "'Cause my Chris Sense is tingling."

**_Authoress:_** (disgusted): Okay, EW."

((Alisha looks annoyed.))

**_Alisha:_** "Not THAT one! I mean he's preggars!" (pregnant)

**_Authoress:_** "How do you know You didn't even _read_ that part." (pause) _"Can_ you read?"

**_Alisha:_** "Yes!"

((Herc and Iolaus are playing a rousing game of Hide-the-Salami while watching Alisha and the towel-clad Authoress argue.))

**_Iolaus:_** "I'm glad _we're_ not fighting anymore."

((They go back to playing.)) **_Note:_** That was disturbing…

**_Authoress:_** "I don't think you're gonna like what you see though…"

**_Alisha:_** "But he's late! He was supposed to be back an hour ago! Chris is late, therefore.. Pregnant."

**_Authoress: _**(directed to readers): For those of you who are beyond confused, Alisha is confusing 'late' and 'Late'. She keeps using 'pregnant' as 'late' as in 'not here on time'.

((Authoress poofs them all (Alisha, Jillian, Dustin, Johnny Depp (who is a pretty, pretty man), Hercules, Iolaus, Luke, Han, Chewie, and Patrick Wilson to Barney Land, where much murder and violence shall ensue…))

((And there was much rejoicing…))

**_Crowd:_** (bored sounding): "Yay."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_A/N:_** Once again, I apologize for any violent brain-frying that may result in or from reading this.


	9. The Saga Continues x 8

_**The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue to Continue to Continue to **_

_**Continue**_

((Authoress wipes away sweat from typing to many 'Continues'))

((They all poof to Barney Land (and this is the part where the friends of Barney will die a most painful death…) ))

**_Jillian_**: (laughing maniacally): "MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!" (stops) "Wait, where's Ms. Vyse?"

poof! ((Ms. Vyse appears with a lock in each hand, looking crazy.))

**_Ms. Vyse:_** "Wait! I wasn't done yet!"

((Jillian looks around and spots Patrick Wilson. She squeals and jumps onto his head.))

**_Jillina:_** "SQUEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALL!!!" ((jumps on head))

**_Patrick Wilson:_** "." (dizzy face) "There's a winged Money on my head…"

((Jillian proceeds to starts (trying) to sing the Aria from Act 2 as Christine from Phantom of the Opera, Patrick Wilson groans))

_**Patrick Wilson:** _"Not again."

((Alisha spots a tent on the concrete. It's rocking violently. Dustin sniffs the air and grins.))

**_Dustin:_** "I smell…" (sniff sniff) "CHILDREN!!!"

((I'm lazy, imagine the Old School Barney Playground with the wooden slide, the hopscotch (which Barney drank in the suit). I think there was a merry-go-ropund…? Whatever, moving on)

**_Johnny Depp_**: "Kids?! Where?! I hunger for the Blood of the Innocent!!"

**_Everyone:_** (stares): "Yeah… Actually, that sounds pretty good right now."

**_Greg:_** "Could I get mine as a Slushie?"

**_Dustin:_** "There are five kids hiding around the playground. One is seven years old. Two are nine, one is ten, and the last one is, like, eighteen."

**_Jillian:_** "DA-YUM! That old?!"

**_Dustin:_** "Yep."

**_Alisha:_** "WTF is a kid THAT old doing on a baby show?"

**_Jillian:_** "Who knows?"

((Iolaus transforms into a hydra, roars at the kids to come out, then changes back. The kids scream, run, and the chase begins.))

End Transmission 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_Warning:_** The following chapter may (more like 'will') contain gross humor against the handicapped and disabled. If it bothers you, then do not read and then report me like some ass did last month. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as the guy made it out to be and they didn't shut down my account.


	10. The Saga Continues x 9

_**The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue to Continue to Continue to **_

_**Continue to Continue**_

((Authoress holds up a large, cardboard sign and is writing on it with a big, black Sharpie. She looks at it a moment, judging her work. Apparently satisfied, she turns it around with a smile to let everyone see it.))

**_WARNING:_** Severe violence against children, mixed with Barney and Jurassic Park! (except mine is cooler than Jurassic Park! … Okay, so it's not. But it's not like I can just ask Sam Neil to guest star in this!! … Oh, wait…)

((Authoress smiles and flips the sign over. It reads:))

**_Sign:_**   
Dustin's Chase – Keisha, the seven year old

Greg's Chase – Billy, the nine year old

Jillian's Chase – Nani, the ten year old.

Alisha's Chase – Pat, the eighteen year old

**_Authoress:_** "Ta-da! And here we go!"

((A small, black girl (were there ever any black kids on Barney back in the day? Seriously, anyone know?) runs across the playground. Her name is… Keisha. She's seven years old. Behind her, she hears pounding feet and calm, steady breathing.))

**_Keisha:_** (screaming): "GO AWAY!!!" (she risks a glance behind her and sees a rabid-looking red Monkey just lifting off from the ground.)

**_Dustin:_** (flapping wings): "If the Almighty Hamster says 'kill!', then kill I must!"

((Keisha screams again and dives into the bushes. Dustin dives in behind her. There's another scream, the leaves rattle and blood sprays out of the bush. Dustin comes out, licking his claws.))

**_Dustin:_** "What was my time?"

**_Greg:_** (holding a stopwatch): "Ten seconds. You beat your last record by two."

((The other Monkeys cheer, then it's Greg's turn. He hands the stopwatch to Jillian.))

**_Greg:_** (looking at screaming children and one legal adult): "Ummm… I pick… Uhhh… I pick… pick… Ooh! That one! I pick that one!!" (he points frantically at a little boy))

((The little nine-year-old named Billy takes off running. He is mentally retarded. He runs with his knees crooked, hands at his chest and whimpering.))

**_Billy:_** (in odd, nasally voice): "I don' wanna die!! I don' wanna die!!"

((Greg takes a flying leap at Billy an catches him by the hair.))

**_Billy:_** (screaming): "NOOOOOoooo! I don' wanna die!!"

**_Greg:_** "Bye-bye, little boy."

((In a bloody show, Greg tears Billy's throat out, smacks him across the face with it, and then snaps his neck.))

**_Greg:_** (licking blood off his hands): "Time?"

**_Jillian:_** (looking at stopwatch): "Nine seconds!"

**_Greg:_** (looking smug): "Hah!"

**_Jillian:_** (handing the stopwatch to Alisha): "Okay, my turn. I can do it in… say… seven seconds."

((The Monkeys quickly make their bets against her as she picks her victim.))

**_Jillian:_** "I choose…" (looking at children, who are cowering for their lives It's pitiful, really) "… THAT one."

((Jillian points at a ten year old girl named Nani. She's a Hawaiian and a little bit chubby. Think Lilo from 'Lilo and Stitch' She screams and takes off running.))

**_SIMON SEZ:_** BOUNCE ON YER HEAD!!!!

((Jillian leaps off Patrick Wilson's head and gives chase.))

**_Nani:_** (screaming): "NOOOOOooooo!!!!"

((Jillian spins around and waves at Patrick Wilson, who waves back in confusion. While she's turned around, a tree attacks Jillian.))

**_Tree:_** "Moo!"

**_Jillian_**: (stuck in branches): "I want a do-over!"

**_Monkeys:_** "Nope! No do-overs!"

**_Alisha:_** (looking at stopwatch): "Get moving, you're at five seconds."

((Jillian untangles herself from the branches and takes off after Nani, who is running towards the tent Chris and Barney are in.))

**_ Jillian: _**(stops for a moment to watch): "Should we let her scar herself for life first?"

((As Nani starts to unzip the tent flap, Johnny Depp steps in front of her.))

**_Johnny Depp:_** (screaming): "AVERT YOUR EEEEEYES!!!! TIS TOO HIDEOUS TO BEHOLD!!!"

((Nani dashes around him and into the tent, screaming for Barney's help.))

**_Nani:_** "Barney! Kill them! Kill them! Kill them!"

((All the noise stops, then we hear a little girl's scream of utter fear and disgusted horror. She comes running out of the tent like a bat out of hell.))

**_Jillian:_** (standing a few feet away): "Okay, _NOW'S_ a good time!"

**_Nani:_** (screaming): "I'M BLIND!!! The horror! The unimaginable horror!"

((Nani runs past Jillian, who clotheslines her with her claws. A wave of blood coats everything. There is a dull thud and we see Nani's head rolling across the playground in the wind.))

**_Everyone:_** (sounding impressed): "Daaaaaaamn…"

**_Jillian:_** (licking blood of her claws): Sweet… Time?"

**_Alisha: _**"Ten seconds."

**_Jillian:_** (peeved as everyone starts laughing at her): "Well, I go for quality…"

**_Alisha:_** "That's what all the losers say."

((They laugh again.))

**_Jillian:_** "Whatever." (she goes off to pout)

**_Alisha:_** (looking at the lineup of two kids and one legal adult): "Hmmm…" (a vein sticks out of her head as she thinks real hard) "I pick… Uhhhhh…" (she sticks her tongue out of her mouth) "Um…"

**_Everyone:_** "PICK SOMEONE!!"

((Alisha jumps and looks around spastically. She chooses.))

**_Alisha:_** "That one! Ooh! Oooh! I want that one! I pick that one!"

((The oldest one is named Pat. The person is tall, slender, slightly curvy, has a puffy chest, shoulder-length hair and no one is sure if it's a boy or girl.))

**_Pat:_** (after realizing what happened): "We could talk this out like adults, you know."

((From Chris and Barney's tent, a ghastly, grotesque moan is heard. Everyone gags and throws up. Only Alisha is unphased.))

**_Alisha:_** (menacingly, eyes glowing red): "You better run, she-man…"

**_Chris:_** (from inside the tent): "I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR TAIL!!!"

**_Everyone:_** "Ew, dude."

**_Pat:_** "Are you sure you'd rather not talk it out, instead?"

**_Alisha:_** (eyes glowing brighter): "I said 'run, she-male'."

((Alisha bares her claw and fangs, flashes her eyes and roars. Pat screeches and takes off running.))

Slow Motion Used

**_Alisha:_** "So, are you a girl or boy?" (slow/distorted)

**_Pat:_** "Ahhhhhh!!!" (slow/distorted)

((Alisha takes a swing at Pat, catching him/her with the tips of her claws.))

**_Pat:_** "Ow! Don't kill me with your claws! I don't know where they've been!" (slow/distorted)

((Bloodsmell makes all the Monkeys start drooling.))

**_Alisha:_** (shrugs): "Okay."

((She grabs hold of his/her nipple, twists and he/she screams. Then Alisha bites a nipple of and spits it out. She bites his nose off.))

**_Alisha:_** (over screaming): "Mmm! Boogers!"

((She swallows the nose, then takes a bite out of Pat's jugular vein. Blood sprays everywhere.))

**_Pat:_** (with dying breath): "We can still talk about it…"

**_Alisha:_** (licking blood off her hands): "Hurry up and die. You're messing up my time."

**_Pat:_** "Okay." (dies)

Back to Real Time

**_Alisha:_** "Time!"

**_Jillian:_** Six seconds! You win!"

**_Alisha:_** "Fuckin' A."

**_Greg:_** "Wait a minute." (sees one last kid) "Who's that one for?"

**_Ms. Vyse:_** (still holding a lock in each hand): "I'll take him."

((The kid (we'll call him Bryan) is short and currently has a terrified look on his face.))

**_Bryan:_** "Don't hut me!"

**_Ms. Vyse:_** "You'd better start running, little bitch-boy." (she turns) "Someone start timing me!"

((A small beep is heard and the chase is on!))

**_Bryan:_** (running): "NoOoOoOoOoOoooo!!!!"

((Bryan leaps over a swing, dives under a merry-go-round and trips over the monkey bars.)) (He can, because I say he can)

**_Ms. Vyse:_** (winding up with a lock): "SUPER ROBOT MONKEY POO NINJA LOCK GOOOO!!!!"

((She whips the lock at the kid's back. It misses.))

**_Monkeys:_** .

**_Ms. Vyse:_** (undeterred, winds up again): "SUPER ROBOT MONKEY POO NINJA LOCK GOOOO!!!!"

((She throws another lock and it hits Bryan in the back. Something snaps and he spins around.))

**_Bryan:_** (eyes glowing red): "STOP IT!!!"

((Bryan seems to swell with anger. He gets bigger and bigger. His clothing and shoes rip, revealing folds and veins. The Monkeys, guest stars, and Ms. Vyse all stare. Everyone is silent. Until…))

**_Jillian:_** (giggling hysterically): "He's a pee-pee!" (she points and laughs some more.)

((Everyone laughs at Bryan the My-Size Penis!))

**_Greg:_** "Kick him in the nuts!"

((Ms. Vyse kicks him in the nuts.))

**_Alisha:_** "Eeeeeee!!! EEEeeee!! Kill it!! Kill it!"

**_Ms. Vyse:_** "SUPER ROBOT MONKEY POO NINJA LOCK GO!!"

((Ms. Vyse throws another lock. This one is opened. The part that you sick in the hole catches Bryan the My Size Penis in the eye and it starts bleeding.))

**_Bryan:_** (bends forward): "Super Soaker!"

((He… Um… _Pees_ on another oncoming lock and it rusts.))

**_Authoress:_** (with a pen poised over her notebook): "Okay… This is stupid as hell…"

((Ms. Vyse throws another lock and it hits Bryan the My-Size Penis in the head and he dies.))

**_Greg:_** (reading stopwatch): "Three seconds!"

Somewhere in Heaven

((A big, chubby fellow in a white robe sitting in a chair, reading The Da Vinci Code looks up when the door to his library creaks open.))

**_God:_** (high-pitched falsetto voice): "Hello there, little fellow."

((An itty bitty penis hops through the door.))

**_God:_** (smiling): "Well, now, where'd you come from?"

**_Penis:_** (high pitched): "Squeak!"

((God pokes the penis and it giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy (who died of a yeast infection)))

**_God:_** "Well, aren't you just the most precious thing!"

((Penis squeaks again.))

**_God:_** "I shall call you Squishy! And you shall be my Squishy!" (baby talk) "C'mere, Squishy!"

((Squishy hops over to God and jumps into his arms, where he pet it and stokes it until it purrs!))

**_God:_** "Aww, you really _are_ precious!"

((His eyes glaze and he looks evil.))

**_God:_** (hissing): "My… _preciousssss_."

((And here, we leave you to ponder about this disturbing scene.))

**_Alisha:_** "You fucking said this wouldn't get religious, mother fucker!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_END OF CHAPTER_** (Here's where it all gets religious…)


	11. The Saga Continues x 10

_**Killer Care Bear Monkeys Are Coming to Take Over! (x9)**_

((Scene opens on Barney's Playground. There's blood and the heads of children (and one legal adult). Jillian stands on the slide, rustling her wings, lashing her tail. She has a serious look on her monkey face. She opens her mouth to speak.))

**_Jillian:_** (dead serious voice): "Hickory… Dickory dock. The _mouse_… ran up the clock." (quickly) "The clock struck one!" (pause, slows speech.) "And the mouse ran down… Hickory… Dickory… Dock."

((She does a dramatic bow and the rest of the Monkeys nod and snap their fingers in approval.))

**_Jillian:_** (climbing to the ground): "Thank you! Thank you."

((Greg climbs up next. He clears his throat and begins.))

**_Greg:_** "There once was a man from Nantucket. Who—"

**_Monkeys:_** "BoOoOoOooo! Get off the stage!"

((From out of nowhere, rotten vegetables appear and they begin to throw them at Greg, who eats them.))

**_Greg:_** "Yummy!"

((Flash to a classroom, where a young teacher man thing is writing an equation on a chalkboard. The chalk breaks.))

**_Mr. Ellis:_** (growling, scowling): "Evil chalky…"

((The Barney tent rattles and shakes and we hear a scream.))

**_Chris:_** "I fucking **_knew _**I was _LATE!!"_

((There is a lot of grunting and then we hear a baby screaming.))

**_Barney:_** (in a deep, Satan-like voice, accompanied by a deep echo): "And it is written that the babe shall called…"

_**((Authoress pauses in her writing to think. When she can't remember what the babe's name is.)) **_

**_Authoress:_** (yelling): "ALISHA!!"

**_Alisha:_** (the real one who also writes the story, yelling back): "WHAT?!"

**_Authoress:_** "WHAT'S THE DEMON BABY'S BARNEY NAME?!"

_**((There is silence for a moment. Then --))**_

**_Alisha:_** "Shnarniya!"

**_Authoress:_** "Okay, THANKS!!"

_**((Authoress resumes writing. a quick beatbox as the story continues))**_

**_Barney:_** "And it is written that the babe shall be called SHNARNIYA!!! According to the prophecy!!"

**_Authoress (to Alisha):_** "Is that spelled right?"

**_Alisha:_** "I don't _know!!"_** (here the authors melt away inconspicuously…)**

**_Chris:_** (cooing): "What a little bundle of joy!"

**_Shnarniya:_** "RAWR!!!"

**_Chris:_** screaming again): "Here comes another!"

((Remember, boys and girls, the tent is still closed. Everyone is only hearing Barney and Chris!))

**_Chris:_** "Fire in the hole!"

((more grunting, then crying))

**_Barney:_** "Its name is Jarney!"

((This continues until they have not only Shnarniya and Jarney, but also Sarney, Blarney, Charney Garney, Zarney, Farney, Harney, Tarney, Carney (who looks like a cheap circus clown) Parney, Darney and Yarney.))

**_Alisha:_** (as all the Barney Kids come parading out.): "Okay, EW.''

((All the kids are an ugly purplish-grey, have long, crooked snouts, wings for ears and a tail like their father.))

**_Greg:_** "Oh, my God. They're _hideous!!_"

((Chris comes out, wrapped in a blanket, looking like an ugly, UGLY drag queen, complete with fake, rubber boobs and neon-blue eye shadow.))

**_Chris:_** "How'd you all get here?"

**_Alisha:_** (confused and ignoring Chris): "I thought Barney was dead already…"

**_Jillian:_** "He is, so technically, that makes YOU" (points to Chris) "a necrophiliac."

**_Chris:_** (confused): "A necro-whawha?"

**_Jillian:_** (having a moment): "A necrophiliac. It's when you have sex with a dead person. Like what you did to create this Most Unholy Spawn. Necrophilia is frowned upon in most society, but in this case, illegal because you were also involved with bestiality!" (giggles)

((Moving on))

**_Everyone: _**"Rawr!!!"

**_Alisha:_** (looking down on Chris. Grossed out/disgusted): "Ugh, Chris, that is so gross/disgusting." (flipping hair) "It's, like, SO over between us!"

**_Chris:_** (on knees, high voiced, throwing a bundled baby away with a thud): "No! No! No!" ((he proceeds to go into a full-out tantrum))

((The Authoresses, (Jillian & Alisha) look at each other, then roll their eyes. They snap their fingers simultaneously and Chris dies. The Barney Babies eat their mother's body.))

**_Alisha:_** "Glad THAT'S over. Shall we move on, then?"

**_Jillian: _**"Yes. Let's. Where were we?"

**_Johnny Depp:_** (flipping through the notebook containing the story): "Actually, this whole chapter is about you finding Chris. We're ahead of schedule though, because of the Sexy Authoresses. You know what THAT means!"

((Everyone's eyes light up as they understand what Johnny means. They lok at each other, grinning.))

**_Everyone:_** "ORGY!!!"

**_Authoress Jillian:_** "And now, I think I'll leave before this gets too much worse. Thanks for reading!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_END!!!!_** And I was _dying_ as I reread the last part. I hadn't read it in a while.


End file.
